1. "You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
3. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason
4. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke
5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero
6. "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% sex, 90% guilt." — Henny Youngman
7. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling
8. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni
9. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin
10. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller
11. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
12. "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown
13. "Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns
14. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx
15. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher
16. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
17. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor
18. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock
19. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal
22. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano
23. "I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early." — Jack Benny
24. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler
25. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
26. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson
27. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen
28. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
29. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
30. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
31. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck
2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
3. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason
4. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke
5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero
6. "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% sex, 90% guilt." — Henny Youngman
7. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling
8. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni
9. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin
10. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller
11. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
12. "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown
13. "Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns
14. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx
15. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher
16. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
17. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor
18. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock
19. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal
20. "Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David
21. "My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler22. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano
23. "I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early." — Jack Benny
24. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler
25. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
26. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson
27. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen
28. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
29. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
30. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
31. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck
