Asleep

I am anxious about the huge fall I am about to make. I am terrified enough to black-out. A cold breeze, cold enough to freeze me, is pushing me towards the edge. Still, I am standing still. I am shivering in the cold, and yet it is the excitement of the imminent fall that’s shaking my body. I can feel my rising heartbeat although my hand is nowhere near my chest to feel the thumping. My throat is as dry as a desert but I know no bottle of water is going to quench this thirst. I’ve had my eyes closed all this time but am gradually opening them now. As I gaze below I see the river; they say it is white as milk, and it truly is. It is this very river that’s making me miserable right now; miserable but fascinated. The rhythmic sound of its flowing seems connected to my heart; they are both flowing together, urging me on to jump. JUMP!

The river echoes like snakes, like millions of snakes waiting to bite me, sting me with venom. Sshhhh…… shhhhh.....SSHHHHH…This river is hungry for blood, but every time it tries to inhale a human, the latter gets away. Today, I am that human and I am scared. Will I be the first one? Of course, they sync the fall pretty well. I soothe myself with the thought that no one has ever died here. But there is always a first time. I know it won’t be me, or will it?

I am about to take flight. My first bungee.Deep down, the river wants to hear my anxious cheer. I get more frightened when I realise the height of the bridge I am standing on. I don’t need a mirror to ascertain what my face looks like. It is red, numb-red. My ears, they are red too. I feel the warmth of the blood that is passing through my veins. And again, the river causes my focus to waver. Why is this river bothering me? It should be the fear of the falls that bothers me, not just the slithering river...I start visualising a river from my memory. It looks just like this one that’s flowing beneath me. I can hear the cries, I am crying. I am drowning but nobody can help me. My friends are all staring at me, terrified and helpless. The river luckily pushes me to the bank somehow and I am alive. This was a decade ago. Why am I remembering this now? Is this a hint of something? Should I back out? Will I die if I don’t?

The operators are busy tying me in. My legs are being tied with a rope while I’m lost in all these senseless thoughts. I hear an operator calling at me, “You ready to go?”

I turn towards him. His lips move again, whispering a voice that says,”‘Are you sure sir? Do you want to do this?”

I nod my head to say “Yes” and he replies, “Okay the, take your steps.”

Slowly, and calmly I take those steps forward. I am ready for the fall, free-fall, my first freefall.

The operator tells me he will count to five and that I’ll have to jump within those five seconds. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The operator starts counting: five... four...three...Someone has pushed me from behind before it is one.

Before I realise what has happened I’m falling, falling like a star. I start crying, “Aaaaaaahhhh!” with my eyes still closed. My heart is not beating anymore. I am relishing every moment of this fall. It is as if I’m an eagle swooping from the skies at its prey on the ground.

At that very moment something hits me hard on my head. I can see nothing. I try moving my body but it seems dead-struck. It is a moment of utter silence, a moment of absolute silence. I think to myself that this must be death. How? How can I be dead? I beg to myself, “Please, let this not be my end.” I break into tears. “Please, God, I am not dead.”

I try to move my body but it still won’t budge. I find I can move my fingers though, and my hands. This is a blissful moment. Oh, what relief! I am alive. I am alive.

I open my eyes, slowly, to see strangers all around me with amused expressions on their faces. A person asks me, “What happened?” I don’t know what happened, what has happened or what is happening. I am speechless. I find myself inside a microbus and at that moment I realise I’m on my way to NAC from Dhapasi. But wait a second…..

Why is this bus heading towards the opposite direction? I know I’m in Lazimpat (it lies between NAC and Dhapasi, after all) but why is this bus headed the opposite direction. I ask the conductor. He too is amused by my question. “You must have missed your stop at RNAC because you were asleep,” he tells me.  I ask the driver to stop and everyone breaks into laughter. I am still clueless as to what has actually happened. The driver stops the bus and I get off it. I pay the conductor and watch as the bus drives away.

I vividly recall each second of my dream. It was very similar to my first bungee experience, except for the thing that hit me. I think for a moment about what that might be. I am still amazed by that moment of inertness. I have not experienced anything even remotely close to that in all my life.

At that very moment, I feel a slight ache on my forehead. I touch it at the point where it hurts. This particular surface on my forehead is irregular, bumpy. It aches again, and I touch it once again. That’s when I realise I must have struck my head against the front seat while I was dreaming. It pretty much explains the thing that struck me when I was freefalling. But that serenity, that death-like stage...nothing can explain that,” I say to myself.

Where was I going? “God damn it,” I am walking towards the opposite direction; just like the bus. What is going on with me? I realises I was walking the wrong way after I had already walked 500 metres from where I had gotten off that bus. What is happening to me? Am I still sub-conscious?

I try to wake up from the sub-conscious sleep with the pinch but dizziness still prevails. I realise I should cross the road and take a bus to NAC. I take my step down from a foot-high football to the road. I am still lost in thought. I can sense the horns and the vehicles, but I can barely hear them. I don’t stop. I continue crossing the road.

I am in the middle of the black-topped road when I hear a horn go “Twaaaaahhhh”. I have fully awoken from my sub-conscious sleep now and see the bus approaching me. It is coming towards me, rally fast. My legs are stuck in the middle of the road. The bus approaches nearer as it continues “Twaaaaahhhh”.

- Sovit Subedi