You’ve got to tell me Momma, You’ve got to tell me who made you pregnant. I want to know Momma”.
That’s not important Maya. We met after such a long time that is most important. I am your birth mother. I love you. You are a piece of my heart. No, I am not going to tolerate this anymore. I want to know who my father is.…..
Phew, it was just a dream. I am having nightmares again.
Where are my pills? Did I forget to take them? This might be a hangover. I broke the promise again. I had promised myself, it would be just few pegs from now onwards. He had promised me too. He can break the promise, why can’t I? I need more vodka to calm down this. Haha!
Maya, where are you my child? You are my love, my sweetheart.
Come back to me Maya to my life again. I will again put you inside my womb and proudly deliver you; then we can live happily. Maya, come back to my womb. You are my child. You are my heart. I carried you with love for nine beautiful months. I could feel you growing inside my body. I remember your kicks; you were naughty inside my womb. How I love you my child. I tried to abort you. But you were meant to be born. My child, you were meant to be born and to see the world around.
Just one more glass (Again, I promise myself, the most funny thing).
You are the one who restricted me to love and the one who restricted others from loving me. I am not allowed to love; this is just because of you. Why you did you come to my body like a painful boil? Like an incurable disease, I carried you hiding you away from everyone. I felt shame. I felt guilt. I was just about to kill myself with the pain when you were growing inside me. I was thinking of my family. My parents would have gone mad if they knew this. Just as you were my child, I was my mother’s daughter. You did not have any sense. You were just a piece of growing meat.
But you were part of my body. I loved you more than I hated you. How could I kill you? I loved you my child. I would have fought with the world, had your father given me a hand. You were the symbol of the union; the union of your father and I. I love you my child. Come back to me. Come back to my life again. I regret. I regret that I abandoned you. But I abandoned you in the right place with the right person taking care of you. I wanted to see you growing. I wanted to comb your hair, I wanted to choose pink dresses for you, I wanted to paint your nails…
Its just 1 am. Tomorrow’s my day off. I’ll have nothing to do and the trauma will kill me. Pills, I need more pills. Another glass…
Ama, can you hear me? Ama, I could never tell you the reason why I stayed single. Why I broke away from you. I was fulfilling your dream in another part of the world; a world that was very different from the one we had always lived in. I felt like I was in heaven. I started smoking to utilise my freedom, I started drinking; I fell in love. I don’t know how that happened. That was the natural thing Ama, when he touched me for the first time, I felt an electric shock. I was trembling; I sensed something vibrant in me.
That was the first time I became aware of myself as a woman. I got Maya then just as you got me. I don’t consider myself wrong. Becoming a mother is nature’s gift to a woman. Yet, I feared sharing it. I didn’t want you to feel shame or kill yourself just because of this.
Is this watch working? Let me check the battery! It’s just 2 am.
Where is the lighter? I need another glass of vodka.
I loved you more than anything in the world. You gave me sensations I had never experienced before. You made me feel like you were the only person in my life. I had imagined having grand-children with you. Your hands running their fingers though my hair, your lap where I used to find my world, your very presence in my life; everything that was yours made me feel like I was the princess and you were my charming prince; I was in heaven. (Why I am thinking about you?). It pains like hell. Your ignorance of me after the first time pains like hell. The first time became the last time. You came back to find me pregnant and then abandoned me without saying good-bye. I hate you more. I hate your touch; I hate myself for letting you do that. I hate you for bringing
such a beautiful life into existence. Bringing a bastard into existence; you never married me. You ran away. Shame on you! I was the one who carried all the responsibilities before she was born and after. I was lucky to give her to the right hands. She lives happily now. Its better she never know you. I hope she will never seek you.
…….
Momma, I want to know who my father is. I want to find him. I want to kill him Momma, I want to kill the man who gave you this much pain.
But I love him still, Maya, I love him. I love your father still.
…..
Another nightmare!
Tomorrow’s my day off. Pills, I need more pills. Another bottle…this time I will empty another bottle. The watch does not move its hands. It’s just 3 am. Already two nightmares and
tomorrow is my off day. Three straight bottles, three regular packets of sticks…I break promises. He broke them too. He broke them too.
- Sweta Bania
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